why can’t i feel joy?

You know you love them.
But some days, joy feels like something other people get to feel. You feel you should be enjoying this more.

If you’re neurodivergent, your brain might be wired to notice danger before delight.
To scan for what’s wrong. To brace for the next need, the next meltdown, the next failure.

So even when your child smiles at you, or the house is quiet, or nothing is technically wrong... joy can still feel out of reach.

These voice notes are for the parents who love their children deeply, and still wonder why they can’t feel the lightness of it all.

You’re not doing it wrong. Your system is just tired. You’re not alone.

Voice Notes

AuDHD

Katy

Caring out of duty and being unable to get out of responsibility mode

“There's a difference between caring out of love and caring out of duty.“

  • For a really long time from from the first day, everything about parenting felt like a chore to me. I didn't really realise it at the time. I couldn't really see it, but I was completely stuck in duty and responsibility, and one day through work I was speaking to a coach for carers of of people who are sick and she said something that stopped me in my tracks, which was that there's a difference between caring out of love and caring out of duty. One of them will drain you, and one of them will fill your cup. And I realised I've been parenting out of duty.

    And it's not because I don't love my daughter because I do more than anything. But just because I was stuck in this mode, my brain felt locked on the jobs to be done. It never switched off. I think it's a classic neurodivergent thing.

    You don't trust yourself to switch that mode off.

    I was always planning mitigating, prepping, worrying, managing. Always a bit harried I was in, I guess what you would call invisible labour mode 24/7 and there was no room left for anything else.

    Especially not joy, which is of course the opposite of duty.

    And I started to feel like there was something seriously wrong with me.

    I was scared. Like what if the the person I was being was damaging my daughter?

    But then eventually I started journaling just once a day or every few days for just a minute. What what happened today where I felt joy with her? Even tiny moments where maybe she was doing a little dance in front of the TV or was giggling about something.

    And at first it was hard. I truly didn't know what to write, but really slowly I started to be able to access more and notice more. And and it started to grow from there.

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Journaling prompts

What didn’t go wrong today?

A simple reframe that often reveals more steadiness than we notice at the time.

Where and when do I enjoy parenting — even just a little?

What moments feel light or funny or less like a chore?

Outdoors? On walks? In the car with music on? With other adults nearby?

What am I genuinely afraid will happen if I let myself enjoy this?

And then gently ask: Why? Where did that belief come from?

Bonus Prompt (Optional Bedtime Practice)

At the end of each day, jot down one moment where parenting held joy - even if just for a second.

Please share your Journaling insights!

Click below if you had a ‘moment’. We’d love to hear what resonated. This helps shape future voice notes and journals.