Perfectionism parenting

Neurodivergent minds often grow up feeling different, difficult, or too much.
And by the time we become parents, we’re carrying a lifetime of internal messages about needing to “do it right” to be OK.

Perfectionism becomes a shield.
If we never mess up, no one can reject us. If we follow all the rules, we won’t ruin them.

So we try to control everything - routines, nutrition, screen time, emotions.
And in the process, we lose ourselves.

We’re not trying to be perfect because we think we’re better.
We’re trying to be perfect because we’re terrified to do it wrong.

These voice notes are for the parents who lie awake after snapping at their child, spiralling with shame.

Who obsessively research gentle parenting scripts.
Who wonder if one bad day will undo all the good.

If that’s you - welcome. You’re not alone in this impossible standard.

Voice Notes

AuDHD

Lorna

Being obsessive about the rules that keep everyone functioning

“…even when I'm breaking the routine… I still am panicking that there's going to be this outcome.“

  • So I have a slightly different take on perfectionism parenting, but it basically comes from the same place like you just want to be doing everything correctly so that they feel better in themselves and so that they come across… not correct. That's not really the right word. I don't really know how to vocalise that. However, what I have noticed is that my perfectionism irritates some other parents because they think that I think I'm better than them, but it's literally, I don't even care about how anyone else raises their child. I just know the effects certain things have on my child, like nutrition, routine sleep, those kind of things.

    But then I get kind of obsessive about keeping them in place, and sometimes I have to check myself and be like, oh, they're actually on holiday or someone’s come over. It's a special occasion. We don't do it all the time. We can break the routine.

    But even when I'm breaking the routine or eating something particularly different. I still am panicking that there's going to be this outcome, and really I should remember that those outcomes are very short term and it's all part of growing up and that everybody needs to learn that they can make mistakes and that it's not the end of the world.

    But yeah, that's where I'm at.

AuDHD

Katy

A vulnerable and honest take on the need to be perfect or risk failure

“That's a classic ADHD thing, right? If I'm perfect then I can trust myself not to fail.“

  • I've been really focused on this fear that I'm going to damage my daughter.

    I want her to be as resilient as humanly possible and in my head, I guess to do that, I'm thinking that I can't make a single mistake.

    I think that's what I'm doing and it's in all honesty, it's been sad and scary and lonely and very intense.

    And I've tried to work out where it comes from. This need to make absolutely 0 mistakes with her and I think it's because my sister is autistic and was never diagnosed. She was bullied really badly and it affected her whole life and I want so badly for my daughter to have an easy life, but I don't know how else to approach life without trying to be perfect. That's a classic ADHD thing, right? If I'm perfect then I can trust myself not to fail.

    And when it comes to your children. That's the one area that you can't fail in, right? It's too important.

    And I'm definitely always going to be a recovering perfectionist, and I haven't yet worked out how to stop doing that when it comes to parenting, a lot of people say to me, well, she's going to sense your anxiety. You need to relax. She's going to need you to be relaxed and calm. That's how she's going to learn to do that too.

    I know they're right. So I guess it's an ongoing thing that I'm working on. And the reality is, I'm sure she's perfectly resilient. That's the crazy thing. But yeah, I'm really keen to hear how other people deal with the same thing.

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Journaling prompts

Where did I first learn that love or safety depended on doing things perfectly?

Think about the early moments where being “good” meant being safe or accepted. These stories often sit quietly behind perfectionism.

What am I most afraid will happen if I “get it wrong” as a parent?

Be honest with yourself here. What do you fear underneath the mistake - being judged, rejected, resented, or repeating something from your own childhood?

What’s one thing I’m doing really well — even if no one else sees it?

Look for the invisible labour, the quiet effort, the love-in-action. It counts, even when it’s not praised.

What would I say to a friend who was carrying this fear or pressure?

And could I say a version of that to myself?

Please share your Journaling insights!

Click below if you had a ‘moment’. We’d love to hear what resonated. This helps shape future voice notes and journals.