I couldn’t breastfeed

Breastfeeding was the first thing that made some of us feel like we’d already failed.

It’s supposed to be primal. Natural. Automatic.

But for us? It was trauma.

We didn’t want to be touched. We didn’t want another person on us all the time.
And the pressure was enormous.

Society shoves it down your throat - you must breastfeed, it’s the best start, bonding, connection - but offers almost no real support to help you do it.

And when it didn’t work? When we couldn’t bear it?

The shame we felt was unbearable.

This is the first thing you’re supposed to do for your child.
The most basic thing. The most natural thing.

And we couldn’t do it.

That feeling sticks with you for a long time.

These voice notes are for anyone who’s still carrying that shame.
Or who’s still trying to untangle the story they were told about what makes a “good mother.”

Voice Notes

AuDHD

Katy

Asking for forgiveness for giving up.

“And then I I just folded myself over my daughter and I cried and I cried and I said sorry. I'm so, so sorry.”

  • One day I had just reached the end of what I could take any more with attempting to breastfeed.

    I was at six weeks, and by this point was expressing which I found so intensely miserable and degrading.

    I begged, literally begged my partner to let me stop breastfeeding. I don't know why I felt like I just needed him to forgive me in some way and say it's OK. It's OK. It's going to be OK.

    He thought it was important to me (to breastfeed). He had kept pushing for it. And he said it's OK you can stop. And then I I just folded myself over my daughter and I cried and I cried and I said sorry. I'm so, so sorry.

    I really felt I had failed on such a catastrophic level, but for me I had Caesarean and apparently I've now realised that I had lost too much blood to breastfeed and I had been told I should just keep trying. Even when I said I'd given up, the health, visitor said. But you can try again. Don't give up. But I actually think it would never have been possible for me to do it. I didn't have the support I needed, and I found breastfeeding so extremely uncomfortable. I felt really, I guess the term would be touched out, but I really hated the exposure and I wanted my body to be left alone, really.

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Journaling prompts

What did I need during that time, that no one gave me?

Think support, information, kindness, forgiveness, space. What would have helped even a little?

Could I write a letter to myself, from the version of me who knows this wasn’t my fault?

What would she say to the version who was in it - raw, exhausted, ashamed? Can I offer her even a little forgiveness?

What do I wish someone had said to me, back then?

Not advice. Just words. Something soft. Something honest. Something human.

Did I really fail? Or was I set up to feel like I had?

What would change if that were true?

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